We find pain in marriage and it confuses us. Discover how this pain can be sweetened with Christ.
We’ve been taught to offer up our pain but not all of us have been taught to sit in our pain… to invite Christ into our pain. What if Christ’s deep longing is for us to sit with him in agony? It sounds scary but the opposite is true, it feels like peace.
In this episode, Sterling talks about two ways to view marriage pain in relation to Christ’s passion and Christ’s love for us. It’s an incredibly powerful turnaround for your current struggles.

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Hi, and welcome to the Made for Greatness podcast. I’m your host today, Sterling Jaquith. And today on episode 73, I wanna talk about Christ and husbands. And I wanna talk about marriage in a different way than I’ve talked about it before, because I’m experiencing it in a different way than I’ve experienced it before. And so my husband and I had a challenging week last week, and you know, it’s funny, I can’t even remember specifically what we were talking about, but it often is something like you criticize me too much and that, and you don’t respect me. And then you don’t really love me deeply. And then we’ll get into a discussion about the different types of love. And, you know, we’re just both hurt and feeling a lack of comfort and then feeling confused that this is supposed to be our most cherished and safe first relationship.

And sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it. And as most of you know, I have made marriage my number one priority this year. So I’m really trying, as often as I can, to just calm down and ask myself, how can I show up differently? What can I learn instead of making him focus? Because it’s so easy to do that. It’s so easy to say, if he could just change, if he would just do this, if he would just speak to me in this way, if he would just improve his relationship with the Lord. Right? In my mind, I have all this long list of things where I think if he could just do those things, then our marriage would be better, but in life coaching and in so many spiritual books that we have, we know that the only thing that we can change is ourselves.

So I’ve been reading the imitation of Christ by Thomas compass and he talks so much about not worrying what someone else thinks of you and being willing to live only for Christ. And this is something that I have heard many, many times and almost in an eye rolly way, right? Like live just for Christ. Okay. Whatever that means. I’m not sure how to actually do that. And I think just by the grace of God, my heart has really opened up to understand this on a deeper level recently, and to see how we can do that in a way that doesn’t cut us off from the rest of the world, because sometimes I might feel frustrated with my husband and then it’ll feel like this fine. You go, do you, I’ll do me over here in the corner with Jesus. He’s the only one I need anyway, Which is not exactly

I think what Jesus means when he says to live for him. And so on this particular day I was sitting in agony is the only way that I could describe it. And it felt like my body had been cut open and I was an open wound and it hurt so much and I was crying and, and it was especially frustrating for me because I was about ready to shoot some videos for Made for Business. And I just could, like, I could not shoot these. It was because I was just a mess and I couldn’t get it together. And so I was frustrated, not only that, I felt like I was wasting this time because when you have six kids and you’re trying to run a business, you know, finding the time to shoot videos takes a lot of effort and planning. But I was also just feeling the depths of this pain, my primary relationship. And so I was actually crying in front of my husband and he said, well, yeah, he agreed. He was like, obviously this isn’t a great time to shoot videos. Why don’t you just sit and pray for a little bit? And he didn’t mean it dismissively. He meant it with love. And so he leaves my office and I down and I light a candle and I’m still kind of crying. And I just say, Lord, I just want you to sit with me in this agony.

And I almost felt like the Lord was saying finally, Like all this time, I might have said things like, Lord, I offer this pain up to you or, or Lord take this pain away. But I didn’t know that I had asked him to just sit with me in my agony. And I felt the Lord say to me, that is what I want people to sit with me in my agony. And I had this image of him in the garden by himself Seeing this work that God was calling him to do. And his sweat was like drops of blood. And he was in the most agony, even though he knew he was going to do this for the Lord, he didn’t sit there and say, I offer it up. And he was alone, Which is incredible. Right? Because we don’t know specifically what he had asked the disciples to do. But then when he found them sleeping, he said, could you not wait one hour with me? So he must have said something to them to then kind of rebuke them for the choice that they made. Can you imagine Watching Jesus give sight to the blind and raise Lazarus from the dead

And heal people who couldn’t walk And then not do what he asked you to do? Let’s assume it was probably simple. Like, can you just stay awake with me? And you couldn’t do it. And there he was the son of God who had performed innumerable miracles in front of these men. And he was alone in his agony. And I have never felt such peace while feeling ripped open at the same time, it was a very interesting experience. And it felt like sweetness in the pain sitting there just sitting and being willing to feel agony for the Lord and with him, and to invite him into that and to say, I sit with you And I don’t know, maybe some of you have done that before, or have been taught how to do that, but it felt very new to me. And the way it related to me for life coaching is it felt like the ultimate form of acceptance instead of resistance. You know, we talk about that a lot on this podcast, how, when we resist feelings, they get bigger, Get more painful. And instead when we just sit into acceptance and we feel our feelings,

They don’t have as much power over us. And so I think taking this a step further beyond just feeling our feelings is when did I feel this way? And so I’ve been asking myself this question, and there are moments when I feel really rejected by my husband in just small ways, right. It could just be a look in the kitchen and it’s not quite the look I was hoping for. Right. And I just feel this sense of action. And then I think Christ was rejected more than any other person who ever lived. He was sinless and we nailed him to a cross. So when I noticed the feeling of rejection coming up, I just, I invite him into that feeling with me, or rather I tell him that I am willing to sit in that feeling with him, Lord, I am willing to reject you right now. And I really just feel it. And it has made me feel so close to him. Like I have this tiny spec, just a spec of understanding of what it must have been like. And I’ll be honest. It has made me want to be an even more virtuous person. It has made my mind search for more opportunities to be virtuous as I am coming to more fully understand the price that he paid.

And so I’m relating this to you about my marriage, but there may be other deep pain in your life right now, something that you’re struggling with. And I want you to really find that root feeling, that deep gut-wrenching feeling and name it, And then ask yourself, When did God feel that way? So the second thing that has come up for me recently, which feels a lot more lovely than that. First one is this idea that the thing that we long so deeply for from our husband is the thing that the Lord longs for. So let’s say you have, let’s say you feel rejection from your husband and you want a deep sense of acceptance, a deep sense of acceptance for who you are. And I think I had previously heard something about, you know, if you’re longing for acceptance from your husband, you can get that from the Lord, right? So whatever we want from our husband, we can turn around and say, Lord, you know, you could find evidence that he accepts you just the way that you are and cherishes you and supports you. But lately, what feels new to me is wondering if the thing I want so deeply from my husband is the thing that the Lord wants from me. And that he’s allowing me to feel this lack, this emptiness, this longing for my husband to show me the way that his heart longs for me.

And that feels very new to me. I have often mentioned that I don’t think my husband cherishes me and really, I just wanna say my brain has that thought a lot. When I’m calm, I can see a lot of evidence that my husband is such a good and warm and kind and loving man. And my brain thinks he just doesn’t cherish me. He likes me, or he doesn’t mind keeping me around, or I am useful to him. And we are a great business team taking care of the kids in the family and the house. We do that really well, But that he doesn’t just cherish me. I’m not A special treasure. And so I’ve now been sitting with that and asking myself, in what way do I not cherish the Lord? In what way do I not treasure the Lord? And the answer was so quick and obvious to me that I just want the good parts of the Lord and not the painful parts. Like I want the Lord who gives me grace and fills me up with love and peace. And he does that. I want the Lord that I feel when I’m listening to, you know, wonderful music where my heart is in mass and it’s singing.

I love that part of the Lord, but do I love the part of the Lord that gives me the prescription? I need to be a Saint. And it’s interesting because even within my suffering, there’s like two categories. There is one category where I’m like, okay, yeah, poopy diapers, Lord, totally. I will do that for you. And then there’s dryness or pain in my marriage. And I think this isn’t fair. This isn’t right. This is too much. And know what is the mirror of that? As I long for my husband who accepts me and cherishes me for who I am, the good things and the bad things. I am literally standing here not doing that for the Lord. We often hear in our master’s program, women say, I do not feel supported by my husband. And it might be that it doesn’t make a lot of money or that he doesn’t help out with the kids, or he doesn’t support her business dreams. Right? But this term is supported a lot in our coaching. So if you feel that way, if you have this deep longing to just feel so safe and taken care of by your husband,

In what way does the Lord not feel safe, giving you his heart? And the Lord doesn’t need anything from us, but he desires to live in our hearts. And I was reading the diary of St. Faina. And she was saying, Jesus was saying to her, there are some hearts that are so painful for me to visit. And I just, gosh, it made me so sad. It made me so sad for the Lord. And it made me so sad all the time. I know that was me All the years that I wasn’t walking with the Lord and I didn’t even know him, but even perhaps worse after I did know him and I would still choose sinful things or things of the world. And then he would come to my heart and find it dark and prickly and unworthy. And then he would leave. Now we know that his mercy is endless, so it takes, but a moment, but a thought, but a turning to him and he comes right to us. But he’s talking about the time before we do that. Can the Lord feel safe with you? Does he feel supported by you?

And these two concepts have really rocked my world recently and It has really made things feel so much slower in my life. As I’m just asking myself these questions, when I feel something negative. When did the Lord feel that way? And can I sit with him in that pain? Am I willing to do that? And then when my heart cries out for something from my husband, In what way does the Lord have a similar longing for me? I want you to save this episode. This is one of those episodes you’re going to want to listen to. Again, it’s going to be one of those episodes that feels like a massage where we kind of wanna go get a massage. And we like the way that we feel afterwards, but it’s pretty painful to get a massage. That is what this episode is like. That is what these lessons are like. But I really feel like this is the saints are made of Their willingness to bring awareness to their thinking and awareness to their feelings, and then to unite them with the Lord. So I hope that this is helpful for you and your life. I hope this is helpful for your soul.

This is coming out in the middle of lent. And so I hope it soothes your heart and makes sense of the desert. Because as the Israeli ads were walking through the desert, you know, God had told them what the purpose was, but they probably needed to be reminded. Many, many times we were walking through the desert. He promises us. He promises us the land, And that is true for our life after death. And he is asking us to unite ourselves to him in this life. And when they say that marriage Is the way by which we become saints, I think this is what they’re talking about. Showing us the way that we are not walking closely with the Lord, that we are not inviting him in That we don’t want all of him. We only want the good parts. So this is my lent and invitation to you.

Should just kind of meditate on these two, these two questions, these ideas, And see if you can deepen your relationship with the Lord. And my hope is that it also Makes all of our complaining about all the little stuff get quieter. That’s what’s happened for me. It’s like all the little things that I was worried about have just Gotten a lot quieter as I’m just focusing on improving my relationship with God on such a deeper, more meaningful level. All right, ladies, We love you. We’re praying for you. If you want to come work on your marriage, Join masters. I will talk to you every week about it. I will coach you every week. I will help you see the truth. I don’t know what you should do. God knows what you should do, but I can help put the two of you together. And it is just worth it. It is worth the money. It is worth the time. It is worth the discomfort of growth I’m telling you. I have been through some very kind of painful days in the last week, and I have never felt at peace. And that is our deep desire for all of you that you find peace with the Lord and that he helps you become a Saint. And that is what you were made for. You were made for, for sainthood and you are Made for Greatness.